Bloopers
Congratulations! You found the secret pages!
These are bloopers where I suddenly had a wrong concept and took a part of the story off in a weird direction...
Author's Sister
“Those people,” Mara’Uto moaned, “they helped us and now they are going to be killed.”
“That is not of our concern,” Shime’Kar replied. “The author’s sister randomly chose their fate. Let their blood be on her hands and their deaths on her conscience. We have our own choices to make.”
Beans
They continued in silence for several minutes before Sidrahkir spoke. “Ugh! What is that smell!?”
Naiya’Nal slapped Belgrave. “I told you not to eat those beans! Now the Dark Wizard can find us!”
Belgrave smiled sheepishly. “It’s just… they were so good!” He burped.
Be Quiet!
“No” Tora’Sor laughed, “but there are some creatures that do eat grass.” She stepped back, and let the woman explore the garden.
A light flicked on at one of the palace windows, and Prince Nomolo soon stuck out his head. “Be quiet out there. If you wake the baby, I’ll have your heads as fish bait!” he shouted.
Chasing Away the Ladies...
That evening, after the sun went down, the dance began. Most of the music was made with a variety of drums, but there were also a few pipe melodies worked into the rhythm. Uungluk slowly wandered along the sidelines as the various couples moved around in the center of the village courtyard. He eventually found the young woman he had been watching throughout the day. “Would you dance with me?” he asked her.
She looked at him, aghast at the audacity of his request. “No!”
Uungluk looked back across the courtyard at Wet Zet. “You were right,” he shouted. “She's got the mouth of a viper!”
Chuglot Chugs A Lot
King Belgrave turned to Chuglot. “I was wondering,” he said, “just how much chigel can you chug?”
The Barbidon grinned. “I didn’t get my name for nothing if that’s what you mean!” He turned to the bartender and put a few coins on the counter. “Three buckets of chigel and make it fast!” he ordered. The bartender quickly filled the three buckets and set them before the Barbidon. “Watch this,” Chuglot said to King Belgrave. He picked up the first bucket and chugged it, then the second, and King Belgrave’s eyes widened in amazement as he finished the third.
Chuglot set down the last empty bucket, leaned back, and let out a long loud burp. He wiped off his face and sat back up. “I can chug a lot,” he said with a smile.
Doomed
“And what about yourself, Commander?” asked Queen Desi’Rel. “You’re getting up there in age and could retire soon. What would you want in return for your life of public service?”
“I’m not that old!” stammered the Commander with a smile.
“Don’t play that game,” muttered Queen Vaersheena. “We all know you’re old enough to be King Belgrave’s father. It makes me wonder, why have you never had a wife?”
“A life of nothing but war stories makes love difficult,” Commander Sidrahkir quickly answered.
“I had expected a better answer,” stated Queen Desi’Rel. “Was there never any woman who caught your eye?”
The Commander frowned and looked away as memories he had ignored flashed through his mind. “There was one long ago,” he eventually muttered, “but time always moves against us.”
“What happened?” asked Queen Desi’Rel.
“I met Leno’Pel at Latan,” he quietly answered.
“Oh,” replied the queen. “I guess that was doomed even before it got started!”
FAIL
He looked over at Jo’Ana. “I have a battle in my future, and if I am killed, I have no heir to continue the line of the Great Kings.”
She frowned. “If you meant that as a pickup line, you failed.”
Hurhurnagulaponakus
“I think Captain Uungluk wants a challenge,” Wet Zet said. “Perhaps you should take us back to the river and let him try killing a hurhurnagulaponakus.”
“What is that?” Uungluk asked.
Commander Onoromo laughed. “It sounds like a bunch of random letters to me. Wet Zet, are you sure you aren't thinking of an ulapon?”
“It couldn't be the same thing,” Wet Zet said. “Unless, of course, they shortened the name and never told me.”
It's only a book...
They rode along the beach in front of the armies. King Belgrave held his fist with the ring in the air. “Upon this beach today, the fate of this world will be decided by the soldiers who stand their ground. At the same time, I know this is a battle. Many of you, excluding myself and the other main characters, may not survive to see another day. However, there is hope! This battle is part of a book and as the army of good we are destined to win. Few of you will fight with valor worth mentioning in a book so I pose my challenge: fight as you have never fought before so that you to may be worthy of being given a name which will be written in ink upon pages which will be read by many.”
Not in Danger?
Ragwulch leaned closer to King Belgrave. “Drink up!” he encouraged. “Don’t mind the outburst. It’s just another fine example of our culture. The first got mad, called the Barbidons at Holich pirate scum, and then demonstrated that he thinks they need punished. Then Shughult intervened and told him to watch his behavior around you. You need not worry; you aren’t in any danger here.” King Belgrave smiled and reached for his drink.
The door slammed open and the noise caused everyone to jump from their seats, spilling their drinks. The Barbidons gasped as an ominous figure whose face remained hidden underneath his black hood stepped into the tavern. Ragwulch slowly leaned down by King Belgrave. “I was wrong about you not being in danger here,” he whispered.
Pirate University
Captain Ezrak put his head in his hands and groaned. “...and I thought I had a hard time just making it through Pirate University!”
Wet Zet gave the Captain a funny look. “There's a Pirate University? I thought it only went up to Pirate High.”
Punk'd
Uungluk picked up a spear. “UUNGLUK THE MIGHTY,” he shouted. “Take us closer and let this foul monster feel the prick of my spear and the sting of our arrows, that we may feast upon its flesh before this day is done.” The man at the rudder directed the ship toward the shore. Wet Zet fitted an arrow to his bow. The crew braced for their certain and inevitable deaths.
Uungluk took aim and threw his spear. It flew straight at the beast moving beneath the trees. There was the sound of ripping fabric and the hiss of escaping air. There were shouts from people on the shore, and the roaring abruptly ceased. After a moment, there was no sign of the monster, although they could hear people moving among the trees. “This was supposed to be a massive victory,” Uungluk lamented when he realized there was no monster. “I feel like I’ve been ripped off!”
A strange man stepped into view. “You’ve been punk’d!” he announced.
Rum and Wenches
“You make it sound as if the life of a pirate is very hard,” Jo’Ana said. “Is there anything good about it?”
“Oh, yes!” Uungluk said with a smile. “The rum and the wenches more than make up for the occasional lashing.”
Shady Character
“I told you before, I will not go,” Uungluk replied, realizing it was the attendant that had seen him fall off the cliff. “Go to Atalan if you must, but let me make my own decisions.”
“The Great King would not want me to let you escape, my Prince, but...” He reached for something beneath his cloak.
An arrow sped past Uungluk and struck the hooded attendant in the arm. A dagger with a piece of parchment tied around it fell out of his cloak to the ground as he cried out in pain and clutched his arm. “Hey!” he cried out. “What did you have to do that for? I may look like a shady character, but I assure you, I am not!”
The "Bones of Metal" are a band?
Part 1
Now they could hear the waves splashing against the sides of a boat. The strong metal fingers pulled Belgrave from the water. Once onboard, he pulled out his sword so the others could see by its glow. Sidrahkir gasped at the sight of the empty sockets on their faces. "Bones of metal?"
"We just fired our booking agent," said B'L'T as he helped Sidrahkir into the boat. "Want the job?"
"Well I've always been a fan!" grinned Sidrahkir. "Could you autograph my shield first?"
Part 2
"Now is not the time to rehearse your musical talents," said King Belgrave. "I can see why you are a soldier and not playing in the band."
"I know it’s not the time to discuss music theory," replied the Commander, "but I believe it is the most effective means of communicating with an individual’s innermost being. Perhaps the sound will drive someone to action when they would have otherwise stayed settled."
"Music can be motivating," said King Belgrave, "but at most, that sound you just made will only cause our enemy to question our seriousness in standing against them."
"Oh, don’t be so hard on him, Belgrave," interrupted Naiya’Nal. "He’s just as nervous as everyone else. If his noises reassure him, then allow him to make them. Perhaps I should teach you some old battle chants I used to sing during my training."
"I know a few battle chants the Bones of Metal used to sing," added the Commander. "If they were here, you'd be listening to more than just my whistle. They've got some awesome riffs and the catchiest tunes you've ever heard. If they were here, even the enemy would stop their attack. We'd have a giant mosh pit!"
Rejected Names
- Eric Finklestein (Human)
- Lolo'Lol (Human)
- Napi'Ho (Human)
- Omorono (Human)
- Oob (Human)
- Shagwel (Barbidon)
- Shithea (Barbidon)
- Terri'Bad (Human)
- Trogdor (Canari)
- Tushi'Pu (Human)
- Vegatush (Barbidon)